A Guide for the Amateur Car Chauffeur and How to Become a Limo Driver
Want to be an amateur car chauffeur? Or maybe you want to know how to become a limo driver? If you want the latter, then you’ll probably want to be an amateur car chauffeur first, to gain the experience you need to become the limo driver of your dreams.
For the Amateur Car Chauffeur:
First off, an amateur car chauffeur needs a car to drive. But it can’t just be any car. If you own the car you’re driving, then you’ve already failed in your role as chauffeur. Chauffeurs never drive their own vehicles, so you’ll need to find another person’s car. The easiest, fastest, cheapest way to get someone else’s car is to steal it. This is recommended for any of you who may have a tight budget, a tight schedule, or wear tighty whities. (We at the Playground recognize that those who wear tighty whities appreciate the comforts and ease of simplicity.)
If you don’t want to steal a car, however, then the next best thing is to “borrow” one. This technique is exactly like stealing a car, except you will pretend that some day you will return the vehicle to its owner.
If neither of these options sound good to you, then you’re stuck with the hardest, slowest, most expensive-est way of obtaining a car you don’t own. You will need to quit your regular job, sell your own car, use up all the money you’ve saved, and then wait until an acquaintance offers to let you use (but not sell you, or give you) the clunker they’ve had sitting around on their property for years. Accept their offer immediately. Be warned: This technique can take years to reach fruition. If it’s not to your liking, there are other ways of obtaining a car you don’t own, such as visiting a car rental company or driving a company car, although these are not recommended.
Once you’ve got someone else’s car to drive, you’ll need to set up your car chauffeur service. To do this, you’ll need to sabotage all of your family member’s operational vehicles in such a way that they cannot be repaired without spending more money than the vehicles are worth. This is easier in theory, since you cannot simply wreck the automobiles. Wrecking the vehicles would damage your driving record, and if you want to become a limo driver, you’ll want the cleanest driver’s record you can muster up. Instead, you’ll want to take a sledge-hammer to the engine, or quickly accelerate and decelerate at all stoplights to wear out the automatic transmission. If it’s a manual transmission, just drive on the interstate in first gear.
After all the family cars are decommissioned and out-of-the-way, you’ll be the only one left with a means of transportation: the vehicle you don’t own. This means that your brother, father, mother, or sister will call on you for rides to and from their appointments (it’s important that all the breakdowns happen simultaneously so they can’t offer each other rides), and since you don’t own the car you’re driving, you can’t give them permission to use it for themselves. If you’ve reached that point, then congratulations! You’re now an amateur car chauffeur. Except for one thing.
You will need one of those fancy chauffeur hats.
If you’ve already got the hat for it, then congratulations again! You are ready to learn about how to become a limo driver. One o’ them pro-fess-shun-nulls.
How to Become a Limo Driver:
The first stage of how to become a limo drive is becoming an amateur car chauffeur. If you haven’t already done this, you’ll need to go to the beginning of this article to learn how. If you’re already an amateur car chauffeur, then keep reading.
The second stage in becoming a limo driver is to be an amateur car chauffeur for a very long time (a month, at least). This will allow you to put the title of Chauffeur underneath the work experience section of your Résumé. You will need to describe your amateur experience with key terms. For instance, if you successfully escaped a police chase when stealing or “borrowing” someone else’s car, you can put “skilled in driving under pressure” as a descriptive term. You can use the same term if you have a family member who likes to criticize your driving or who often grips the seat and screams when you turn corners. Although “experience handling wearisome passengers” or “prefer working alone” may be more honest.
The third stage is to submit your Résumé and application to an already established limo service provider. Based on your amateur car chauffeur experience, you will probably get the job, maybe guaranteed, if you do well at the interview, and if you have excellent references, and if you wore the right color of tie or shoes, and if you have a friend already working there, and if that friend is the interviewer, and if he owes you for that bet he lost against you. Then you will probably get the job. But don’t get your hopes up.
If you want a slightly different route, and prefer not to hand out your personal information on a Résumé, you can actually follow the instructions on becoming an amateur car chauffeur but with a few minor tweaks. Instead of stealing or “borrowing” any old car, you will need to steal or “borrow” a limousine. Once again, sabotage the family vehicles so that you are the only one with transportation. When they start asking you for rides, all you have to do is charge them for your services, and you’ve got it made! You’re now a limo driver!
Now that you’ve read our Guide for the Amateur Car Chauffeur and How to Become a Limo Driver, you know all that you need to know to go out and be successful! In everything!
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This entry was posted on February 26, 2014 by The Janitor. It was filed under Comedy, Life, Satire and was tagged with amateur car chauffeur, author, car chauffeur, chauffeur, childlike, Childlike Author, how to become a limo driver, limo driver, satire, tighty whities.