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A Guide for the Amateur Car Chauffeur and How to Become a Limo Driver

Image Courtesy of William Creswell

Want to be an amateur car chauffeur? Or maybe you want to know how to become a limo driver? If you want the latter, then you’ll probably want to be an amateur car chauffeur first, to gain the experience you need to become the limo driver of your dreams.

For the Amateur Car Chauffeur:

First off, an amateur car chauffeur needs a car to drive. But it can’t just be any car. If you own the car you’re driving, then you’ve already failed in your role as chauffeur. Chauffeurs never drive their own vehicles, so you’ll need to find another person’s car. The easiest, fastest, cheapest way to get someone else’s car is to steal it. This is recommended for any of you who may have a tight budget, a tight schedule, or wear tighty whities. (We at the Playground recognize that those who wear tighty whities appreciate the comforts and ease of simplicity.)

If you don’t want to steal a car, however, then the next best thing is to “borrow” one. This technique is exactly like stealing a car, except you will pretend that some day you will return the vehicle to its owner.

If neither of these options sound good to you, then you’re stuck with the hardest, slowest, most expensive-est way of obtaining a car you don’t own. You will need to quit your regular job, sell your own car, use up all the money you’ve saved, and then wait until an acquaintance offers to let you use (but not sell you, or give you) the clunker they’ve had sitting around on their property for years. Accept their offer immediately. Be warned: This technique can take years to reach fruition. If it’s not to your liking, there are other ways of obtaining a car you don’t own, such as visiting a car rental company or driving a company car, although these are not recommended.

Once you’ve got someone else’s car to drive, you’ll need to set up your car chauffeur service. To do this, you’ll need to sabotage all of your family member’s operational vehicles in such a way that they cannot be repaired without spending more money than the vehicles are worth. This is easier in theory, since you cannot simply wreck the automobiles. Wrecking the vehicles would damage your driving record, and if you want to become a limo driver, you’ll want the cleanest driver’s record you can muster up. Instead, you’ll want to take a sledge-hammer to the engine, or quickly accelerate and decelerate at all stoplights to wear out the automatic transmission. If it’s a manual transmission, just drive on the interstate in first gear.

After all the family cars are decommissioned and out-of-the-way, you’ll be the only one left with a means of transportation: the vehicle you don’t own. This means that your brother, father, mother, or sister will call on you for rides to and from their appointments (it’s important that all the breakdowns happen simultaneously so they can’t offer each other rides), and since you don’t own the car you’re driving, you can’t give them permission to use it for themselves. If you’ve reached that point, then congratulations! You’re now an amateur car chauffeur. Except for one thing.

You will need one of those fancy chauffeur hats.

If you’ve already got the hat for it, then congratulations again! You are ready to learn about how to become a limo driver. One o’ them pro-fess-shun-nulls.

How to Become a Limo Driver:

The first stage of how to become a limo drive is becoming an amateur car chauffeur. If you haven’t already done this, you’ll need to go to the beginning of this article to learn how. If you’re already an amateur car chauffeur, then keep reading.

The second stage in becoming a limo driver is to be an amateur car chauffeur for a very long time (a month, at least). This will allow you to put the title of Chauffeur underneath the work experience section of your Résumé. You will need to describe your amateur experience with key terms. For instance, if you successfully escaped a police chase when stealing or “borrowing” someone else’s car, you can put “skilled in driving under pressure” as a descriptive term. You can use the same term if you have a family member who likes to criticize your driving or who often grips the seat and screams when you turn corners. Although “experience handling wearisome passengers” or “prefer working alone” may be more honest.

The third stage is to submit your Résumé and application to an already established limo service provider. Based on your amateur car chauffeur experience, you will probably get the job, maybe guaranteed, if you do well at the interview, and if you have excellent references, and if you wore the right color of tie or shoes, and if you have a friend already working there, and if that friend is the interviewer, and if he owes you for that bet he lost against you. Then you will probably get the job. But don’t get your hopes up.

If you want a slightly different route, and prefer not to hand out your personal information on a Résumé, you can actually follow the instructions on becoming an amateur car chauffeur but with a few minor tweaks. Instead of stealing or “borrowing” any old car, you will need to steal or “borrow” a limousine. Once again, sabotage the family vehicles so that you are the only one with transportation. When they start asking you for rides, all you have to do is charge them for your services, and you’ve got it made! You’re now a limo driver!

Image Courtesy of Somebody's Website

Now that you’ve read our Guide for the Amateur Car Chauffeur and How to Become a Limo Driver, you know all that you need to know to go out and be successful! In everything!

Do you have something to add to the Guide for the Amateur Car Chauffeur? Maybe something to add about How to Become a Limo Driver? We want to hear your thoughts and comments, so if you’ve got one to give, you can leave it by clicking HERE.

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54 responses

  1. Reblogged this on Fashion and commented:

    The legend cars

    Like

    March 15, 2014 at 4:51 pm

  2. It is hilarious, sarcastic …and I am not sure whether I want to know ….true?

    Like

    March 15, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    • It is based off life experience, oddly enough. I didn’t actually own the car I was driving, and my parents’ cars were both totaled unexpectedly. I was stuck driving them around for a while… and my mother always grips the seat in panic when I turn corners.

      Like

      March 16, 2014 at 6:24 pm

  3. As professional chauffeurs, absolutely love this post! Tongue in cheek perhaps, but does raise the odd laugh!

    Nice to see some industry-related comment… it’s hard to find!

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 2:37 am

    • Glad you liked it. I confess, I’ve never actually been a professional chauffeur. Just an amateur one. 🙂

      Like

      March 16, 2014 at 6:26 pm

  4. I will use this fine piece of prose to woo myself a mate one day. Exquisite.

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 4:10 am

    • I suggest hiring a few limousines… and then wooing the chauffeur.

      P.S. I’m glad you liked the prose.

      Like

      March 16, 2014 at 6:28 pm

      • You’re just loaded with wheely great advice. Thank you once more!

        Like

        March 16, 2014 at 8:09 pm

  5. At one time I envisioned myself in this position. But I am a lousy driver and slightly screwy. Actually I a screwdriver with a license from Matel.

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 4:38 am

  6. Reblogged this on Fast Loans by Ownloans Like Quick Payday Loans $100 $200 $300 $400 $500 Fast and Easy and commented:
    ฌนเ้ะ

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 6:06 am

  7. Reblogged this on thelostsheep911.

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 8:27 am

  8. Reblogged this on New Speed Cars blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 16, 2014 at 9:17 am

  9. Reblogged this on ashokbhatia and commented:
    Interested in the intricate connection between driving and the sense of detachment? Read on…!

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 9:26 am

    • I visited your site and noticed your often write about P.G. Wodehouse’s Jeeves and Wooster. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy those stories and I’m glad you’re writing about them. By the way, thanks for the reblog!

      Like

      March 16, 2014 at 6:35 pm

      • One merely endeavors to provide satisfaction! Thoroughly enjoyed your satirical outpourings.

        Like

        March 17, 2014 at 6:42 am

  10. Do not read “Driving the Saudis: A Chauffeur’s Tale of the World’s Richest Princesses (plus their servants, nannies, and one royal hairdresser)” or it will take a week’s worth of small, evil crimes against humanity and a quart of vodka to remove your bad mood. Seriously.

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    • Heh. I believe you. But now I really, really want to read it…

      Like

      March 16, 2014 at 6:35 pm

      • And you will. Because the most squirm-inducing reality TV can’t come close to the frustration and social carnage…and surprise ending…that this book has.

        (evil laugh)

        Like

        March 16, 2014 at 8:25 pm

  11. Very Funny!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 16, 2014 at 12:42 pm

  12. I seriously need a limo hat. I need credibility and a ride.

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    • One alternative is to move to a large city in an underdeveloped country. All you need to do is ship your bike and a wagon there, and you’ve got yourself a rickshaw and a paying job.

      Maybe that’s insensitive, but it will keep you in shape!

      Like

      March 16, 2014 at 6:40 pm

  13. I see no purpose in this article at all.

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 5:20 pm

  14. Reblogged this on mukesh1rai's Blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 16, 2014 at 11:47 pm

  15. very nice

    Like

    March 16, 2014 at 11:48 pm

    • Thank you! I appreciate your reading and your comment. And your reblog, for that matter. Looks like you did everything a blogger could want.

      Like

      March 17, 2014 at 11:08 am

  16. Cyrus Quick

    THAT is how a car should be! No need to doff your top hat as you step in. The modern-day thing you have to crawl sideways into is a travesty of the term ‘motor car’. Notwithstanding all this, I prefer the bus anyway. Single decker or double decker, the bus is a mobile viewing platform. The children seem to prefer buses. That should tell us something. Always say thank-you to the driver as you get off, aka alight.

    Like

    March 17, 2014 at 1:44 am

    • Very true. I’m a taller than average fellow, and I really have to stoop to get into most cars. A truck or van can usually better accommodate my head and legs… which are all more reasons for the Hummer Limo!

      Like

      March 17, 2014 at 11:18 am

  17. well said……! good article…………
    #wordpress!

    Like

    March 17, 2014 at 3:36 am

  18. Reblogged this on NiDuan's View 倪端話端倪 and commented:
    Interesting! I shall think about my side line, haha ~

    Like

    March 17, 2014 at 10:52 am

  19. Reblogged this on Toyota Fans and commented:

    Amateur Car Chauffeur…………

    Liked by 1 person

    March 18, 2014 at 5:10 am

  20. Great post…

    Liked by 1 person

    March 18, 2014 at 7:02 am

  21. Pingback: A Few Authors… and their Hair, Part One | The Playground

  22. Reblogged this on Coretan Daku.

    Like

    March 18, 2014 at 10:10 pm

  23. NIce work.

    Like

    March 20, 2014 at 8:49 pm

  24. Post very interesting! 😀

    Like

    March 21, 2014 at 9:59 am

  25. me

    I find the advice in this article to be dangerous and highly illegal and sincerely hope that only those with a keen and discerning mind are reading this stuff

    Like

    March 23, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    • I think your hope has already been realized. Of the 317.7 Million in the U.S. and the 63.7 Million in the U.K. (the countries where most of my readers are based), I would bet that all understand either what the English word “satire” means or, from the same language, what the word “comedy” means. I.e., the category tags of this post. But, unlike you, I have a high opinion of the average readers’ intelligence, so I’m very willing to make that bet.

      To put it more clearly, you’re both condescending and presumptuous to believe that a “keen and discerning mind” is the only thing that would stop someone from following the advice in this post. What you’re describing is probably an above average mind, but it certainly doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this is not a real guide for becoming a chauffeur. Heck, an idiot of astounding proportions could figure that out. In addition, if someone’s moral code is low enough or absent enough for them to steal another person’s property as a result, then they’ve probably already done equally bad things, if not worse.

      I would say that I appreciate your concern, but I don’t. It’s misguided and self-righteous, and stems from a belief that you’re better than other people, which in turn makes you think you have the right to control their thoughts and actions. Fortunately, you don’t have that right, because if your kind was at the helm the world would be a horrible place.

      Like

      March 23, 2014 at 8:26 pm

  26. incaunipocrit

    Reblogged this on The International Blogspaper.

    Like

    March 30, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    • I can’t tell you how good it makes me feel for other bloggers to reblog my posts… especially a month old one! Thank you so much!

      Like

      March 31, 2014 at 12:30 am

      • incaunipocrit

        You are welcome: -)

        Like

        March 31, 2014 at 12:36 am

  27. Pingback: The Childlike Author Feels… Quixotic | The Playground

  28. Pingback: The Different Types of Limousines

  29. Pingback: Affirmation of a Dream | The Playground

  30. Really ? Its a great news. Thank you for sharing with us.
    wedding limo

    Like

    July 18, 2014 at 5:14 am

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