A Few Authors… and their Hair, Part One
Since being Freshly Pressed for my post on how to become a limo driver, I’ve had a few thoughts. One: Thank you everybody who read it. My site views have more than doubled since being Pressed, and my follower count has increased by approximately 20 percent. Those are incredible numbers in my opinion. Two: It’s gratifying to be recognized for little things, and it’s encouraging to be selected after only nine total weeks of blogging. Three: Now that I’m a little more successful, I can start associating myself with all those other famous writers, right?
Thus, as a tribute to all those authors who are
now my peers plainly jealous of my eminent prestige, both posthumous and contemporary, I’ve decided to compile a list of said authors… and their hair. Of course, I’ve left out many authoresses (all of them, in fact), because it turns out women’s hair isn’t as varied or as interesting as men’s hair. This is a curious outcome, and contrary to my original thought which assumed women had more fascinating locks. Upon reflection, however, I know this to be absurd for the simple reason that women can’t grow beards! Well, most women. On the other hand, men can certainly grow their hair out past their shoulders.
Conclusion: Men have more interesting hair, facial and otherwise (think chest hair).
Now, without further ado, I give you Part One of the famous authors and their famous hair.
Terry Pratchett is the author of the popular and well-known Discworld series. He also collaborated on Good Omens with Neil Gaiman (also on this list). Born in 1948, this means he’s way older than me (and probably you), and has seen some crazy things in his day, like the Cold War or other, um, British historical events. Additionally, I bet he used a typewriter for his first book, The Carpet People. I imagine he is jealous of my youth, and will probably try to make me eat a pair of woolen socks. He’s got a beard, a nice one, and has had it since at least the early 1970’s.
Mark Twain, also known as Samuel Langhorne Clemens (no wonder he used a pen name), is the well-known and very dead author of books like the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. He has many other notable works which he wrote a long time ago before even typewriters existed (well, maybe they existed). His birthday was November 30th, 1835, which is twenty-five-ish years before the American Civil War and approaching nigh on two centuries ago. His parents had no idea he would grow up to cultivate such incredible eyebrows, which is by far his most famous accomplishment. Mark Twain also had a magnificent, bushy, and straggly mustache that matched his head hair in a wonderful manner.
Neil Gaiman, as previously mentioned, collaborated with Terry Pratchett on the book Good Omens. His notable works include Coraline, American Gods, Stardust, The Graveyard Book, and the Sandman graphic novels. In fact, so many of his works are notable, I can’t think of one that isn’t. He’s a rock star in the fantasy genre, and if you haven’t heard of him, that probably means you’re into real stuff. (*Scoff*) Born in 1960 somewhere in England, he is, remarkably, still alive. (Or is age 53 young enough that it’s not yet remarkable?) His trademark is to always dress in black. In fact, he dresses in so much black that the purity of all other blacks are measured by his clothing of the day. If you ever want to draw a portrait of him, just paint a tangled mass of black lines with streaks of gray for his hair and then pile on gobs of ebony everywhere else. This will result in a pretty accurate representation. At any rate, his reading of Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham is his finest moment, both as a human and as a person with hair.
Patrick Rothfuss is the author of the bestselling books, The Name of the Wind, and The Wise Man’s Fear. He was actually born in the last half-century, which is a first for this list. At his birth, his parents’ hair all fell off and became attached to his face, as you can probably tell by his photo. He was shunned for being a bearded baby just like Little Boy Beard of the famed Dick Tracy comics. Legend has it that he once held his ground against Medusa herself. Experts speculate that his beard was the determining factor, as Medusa is a woman, and cannot grow facial hair.
Scott Lynch is the author of the splendid books, The Lies of Locke Lamora, and The Republic of Thieves. (He has other books in between those two which are also part of the Gentlemen Bastard series, but I just skipped to the end.) Little is known about this author. He is the proverbial dark horse, and only two facts have been proven concerning him. The first is that, if he wanted to, he could easily weave a baby blanket out of his long straight locks of hair. The second is that he envies the naturally curly hair of Frieda, the girl in the Peanuts comics.
Malcolm Gladwell is that famous guy who writes for The New Yorker. He is also the one who popularized the 10,000 hour principle (i.e., the principle that it takes 10,000 hours of work on a subject to become an expert in that subject). He himself is old enough to have become an expert in five different subjects, but since he is not a quintuple expert, we may assume he is an underachiever. Gladwell has written several bestsellers, his most recent being the book, David and Goliath, which he pulled straight from the Bible (I hear it’s a remake, so it’s not as bad as it sounds unless you’ve got some childhood nostalgia to work with). Contrary to popular belief, Gladwell does not carry a sharp hair pick hidden in his afro in order to ward off muggers. Nor is this man jealous of Frieda from Peanuts.
This concludes Part One, of A Few Authors… and their Hair. Join in on Thursday for Part Two.
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This entry was posted on March 18, 2014 by The Janitor. It was filed under Comedy, Satire and was tagged with author, childlike, Childlike Author, famous authors, Hair, Hairstyles, Malcolm Gladwell, Mark Twain, Neil Gaiman, Patrick Rothfuss, Scott Lynch, Terry Pratchett.